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Wednesday, August 14, 2019

How do you know you're done {having kids}?

I wrote the following blog post last summer, in the thick of adjusting to two littles two and under. I feel mostly the same, although I lean more towards not having anymore kids. The days are just hard right now. Lennon is three and a lot of difficulties come with that (but good news is, she’s finally potty trained! ??). I guess we’ll just have to see what the future holds!

I'm currently writing this from the bathroom because I'm knee deep in the middle of trying to potty train Lennon. It's not going well. That will go in another post. With that being said, I truly don't know if I'm done having kids. I had hoped that I would have some sort of epiphany after having Teagan where I would KNOW that I'm done, but that just didn't happen. If anything, it just made my urge to have another even stronger!

The Mr. and I have talked many times about this and he is good with having our two girls and does not want anymore kids. He has his reasons and I certainly agree with him on some of them. Two is proving to be a lot to handle as it is. Especially two girls, two and under. We both love to travel and that is just way easier when we can each focus on one child. We've also discussed the financial aspect of having more, not only is it expensive to have and raise a child, but we would also need to upgrade one of our vehicles (let's face it though, we really need to do that with just two kids) to a 3 row SUV (no way am I getting a van). We also don't have enough bedrooms to accommodate that many children, so we would need to finish our basement. The dollar signs just keep on adding up, $$$$ Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. We're not made of money.

Yet, deep down in my soul, I feel that I need another baby. It makes me incredibly sad to think that I won't ever be pregnant again. That I won't ever be in labor again (yes, that makes me sad). Or that I won't ever be able to spend those precious first days being waited on hand and foot in the hospital. I thoroughly enjoyed all of that with the girls and I want to experience it again. It also makes me sad to think that I won't ever be on Maternity leave again and be able to spend that amazing time day after day with them. It all just makes me sad. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's not.

I have thought about this constantly, it's always on my mind. What if we got pregnant again and something went wrong? What if we experience another miscarriage, or worse another Molar Pregnancy? What if something were wrong with that {very hypothetical} baby, could we handle that? What if something were to go wrong with the pregnancy? But at the same time, what if we don't try again and I regret that for the rest of my life? What if this agonizing feeling of not being complete {as a family} never goes away? What if? What if? What if?

Do we just count our two beautiful blessings and thank God that we are so lucky to have the healthy girls that we do? I'm not getting any younger and the complications that could happen overwhelm me. Someday, I hope this constant sadness and overwhelming feeling of not being done goes away.

So my question to all you mama's out there is this: How do/did you know you're done having kids? Did you have an epiphany? Did you just know? Did you want more kids, but your significant other didn't? What did you do and how did you cope with that? Please help a mama out!